Notes To Willie's Successor

Dear New Mets Manager, (if indeed there is one)

You've got your work cut out for you. Your new team is a $150 million mess that has played .500 ball over a full season's worth of games. You'll want to avoid your predecessor's mistakes:

1. Put Moises Alou in the lineup. Willie refused to play his best outfielder, despite the .347 batting average.
2. Stop skipping Pedro's starts. The Hall of Famer is undefeated (1-0), but Willie only gave him three starts.
3. Make Carlos Delgado younger. He got old under Willie and is hitting a paltry .243/.326/.404.
4. Tell Omar to get a catcher who can hit. Brian Schneider's .308 slugging average is below replacement level. I guess Willie didn't understand backstops.
5. While you're at it, force him to get a decent fourth outfielder. That sucking sound you hear is Endy Chavez's .552 OPS, which is roughly half of Lance Berkman's.
6. Quit using the bullpen. Billy Wagner's blowing saves like they're heated glass and the rest of the relief corps is giving up more than five runs per nine. Despite that, Willie kept pulling the starters.
7. Show Oliver Perez how to throw strikes. Six walks a game? Willie couldn't teach him discipline.
8. Quit playing such a tough schedule. Willie took the team to Philly, Atlanta, and an improved Miami team, plus interleague tilts against powerhouses like the Yankees and Angels.
9. Yell and scream a lot. Kick dirt at an umpire. Throw a (non-racial) tantrum before the assembled media. Eventually the team will compile a modest hot streak following one of your meltdowns and the press will attribute the winning to your tirade.

Follow my advice and I guarantee you'll last the season.