At Least They're Not Schizophrenic

It's a common misconception that people who have multiple personalities are "schizophrenic." In fact, split personality is one kind of brain disease and schizophrenia is another, though they have multiple literary spawn in common.

Schizophrenics hear voices, endure hallucinations or delusions, become confused, disorganized, or speechless, present a flat affect, or have a host of other symptoms, but not dissociative identity disorder. Thus, you may very well be alone with a schizophrenic...though it's generally not much fun.

Put simply, Sybil had multiple personalities. Raskolnikov was schizophrenic. James Frey is a lying schizophrenic-wannabe.

Nowhere among the four main schizophrenic groups -- paranoid, catatonic, undifferentiated, and my favorite, hebephrenic (often characterized by inappropriate mirth) -- is to be found the current incarnation of the 107-year-old baseball franchise in Cleveland, OH. But, oh my, does this club have a split personality.

Cleveland appeared to sport a pennant contender at season's commencement, with a solid rotation, improved relief pitching, a powerful and mostly young lineup and good fielding. Those are the makings of a pretty delicious stew. But they're missing one ingredient, and it makes for a funny-tasting below-.500 record.

To be sure, the starting pitching staff has been a gourmet meal. All but six of the team's starts are represented by pitchers posting ERAs of 1.50, 1.60, 3.10, 4.10 and 5.14, and the liverwurst in that mix is C.C. Sabathia, the ace who will almost certainly improve.

Now for the banana and creamed spinach sandwich: an offensive attack so feckless that Victor Martinez is the only starter hitting over .257 -- and he's homerless. The two big sluggers, Travis Hafner and Ryan Garko, have combined to hit a .225/.324/.361, or roughly what you'd expect from reserve catcher Kelly Shoppach. Except that Shoppach's .222/290/.302 has failed to reach even that modest measure. What Cleveland brass wouldn't give to have second-year second-baseman Asdrubal Cabrera tearing the cover off the ball at Shoppach's rate. Cabrera is mired in a .176/.273/.237 season that makes him about a third of a run worse per game than a typcial AAA replacement player.

The Indians are near the bottom in just about every offensive category (Team motto: Thank God for Kansas City!), although they have managed to swipe 25 bases in 34 attempts. If they can find a way to steal first, they may rise to the level of sour cream and escargot.

There certainly have been less balanced teams than this year's Tribe, but it's hard to remember a squad with similar offensive and defensive expectations to present such wildly imbalanced results. There's still plenty of time for the likes of Jhonny Peralta and Casey Blake to turn things around, so I wouldn't count out the Indians.

Until then, you may find Cleveland residents talking to themselves, which is, in fact, a sign of schizophrenia.