The Seattle Mariners have reportedly signed Jason Bay to a one-year contract. This makes perfect sense if the Mariners have been justifiably relegated to Triple-A. Or if the Mariners have signed Bay to the position of clubhouse attendant.
Adding Jason Bay to the Mariners is like putting ketchup on a tomato. Except ketchup is good. Jason Bay batted .054 when behind in the count last year. Let's say it's like rubbing your dirt in mud. It's like Lindsay Lohan marrying Kanye West.
Combining Jason Bay and the offensively-challenged Mariners is like keying a junker. What's the point? It seems redundant. Like yin and yin -- with bad feng shui added in.
The Mariners' singular outstanding characteristic is that for the last half decade they have hit like girls. Their best hitters last year were gentlemen named John Jaso, Kyle Seager and Michael Saunders. These are players who would be unrecognized by Mariner fans if there were any left. Seager and Saunders reached base 31.6% and 30.6% of the time respectively last year.
So Bay should feel right at home. Last year, he slugged .299 for the Mets, which is impressive considering he batted .165 and posted a .237 on base percentage. (That doesn't include his .133 batting average and no extra base hits in 20 plate appearances at Single-A.) Of course, he hit nothing while staggering around the clubhouse with a series of ailments that consumed a third of his season.
In short, Jason Bay followed a lousy 2010 with an awful 2011 that was a mere prelude to 2012. And the Seattle Mariners, a team with an on base percentage under .300 the last three years, has added him to their roster. This is the quintessential case of gilding the lily. Except by "gilding" we mean "fertilizing" and by "lily" we mean "cesspool."
Enjoy 2013, Mariner fans, wherever you are!
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