Meet the New Leadoff Hitter. Same As the Old Leadoff Hitter.

Dear Seattle Mariners fan,

My very deepest, most sincere, heartfelt and genuine sympathies. If you had any notion that you were already knee deep in the fire, you just discovered that was just the frying pan. 2012 promises to hurt even more.

Last year, the Sub-mariners -- because their hitting is below sea level -- trotted out the second lamest collection of bats we've seen in decades, finishing last in baseball in scoring with just 3.43 runs/game in a 4.46 league. Even lamer was the 2010 squad, which scored just 3.17 runs per game in a 4.45 runs/game league, making the last two years the most punchless performance since Rope-A-Dope.

But have no fear, if you need the deck chairs re-arranged on the Titanic mess that is your offense, manager Eric Wedge has a foolproof plan.

Wedge has boldly announced, even before Spring Training as begun, that he is making a big move at the top of the lineup. One-time superstar Ichiro Suzuki, now 38 and getting aboard just 31% of the time, is out as the leadoff hitter.

The new leadoff hitter is the answer to this question: whose four-year, $36 million contract was the biggest waste of legal tender in baseball history? That would be utility infielder Chone Figgins, signed to staff third on defense and reach first on offense for Seattle. The only time over the first two years of his deal that Figgins has reached first is on a throw in the dirt. 

The new Mariner leadoff hitter offers a .236/.308/.285 alternative over the last two seasons to Ichiro. If that doesn't sound like a table-setter, that's all right. It's not as if there's anything being served at this banquet.

Consider that last year, their top slugger was catcher Miguel Olivo, whose 19 home runs accompanied a .224 batting average and .253 OBP. Or that their best (and only good) hitter, rookie second baseman Dustin Ackley (.273/.348/.417), played just half a season. Or that CF Franklin Gutierrez batted .224 with 16 walks and one home run, and was not the worst hitter in Seattle's starting lineup. (That would be the aforementioned $9 million man.)

Which might explain why Wedge, using all the weapons at his disposal, will punish Ichiro's dreadful 2011 performance, in which he neither reached base much nor hit for power discernible at even the atomic level (.272/.310/.335), by shifting him to the third spot in the lineup.

Gaaaaaaack.

Now let's be real. Ackley will have a full season and Jesus is coming -- Yankee import Jesus Montero, who has served notice that he can rake at the highest level. And Seattle still Marinates in pitching -- Felix Hernandez and...uh...well, Pineda and Fister are gone.

Seattle Mariner fans, my very deepest, most sincere, heartfelt and genuine sympathies.

b