Ryan Lochte's "Apology" Will Cost Him Millions

You've perhaps heard of Ryan Lochte now. Lochte is the unfortunate lad who has swum in Michael Phelps' wake for the last 12 years, the world's best swimmer except for the guy setting all the records.

Now Lochte is famous for being an idiot and for sparking an international incident, mostly with his mouth.

Once the story began unraveling and the merda hit the fan, Lochte's PR team went into full Ryan Braun mode.

The Legalistic Non-apology
You've heard the non-apology, non-acceptance of responsibility in which Lochte used the words "apology" and "I accept responsibility" both in his Instagram post and in an interview on national television with Matt Lauer.

Here's his Instagram apology:
"I want to apologize for my behavior last weekend. I'm sorry for not being more careful and candid in how I described the events of that early morning."

That's it. No acknowledgement of what he did, that he lied and embarrassed a nation, that he acted like a drunken moron in someone else's country. ln a statement apologizing for a lack of candor, Lochte lacked candor.

Reading From a Script
For icing on an already sour cake, there's the Lauer interview. (That is, setting aside Lochte's repeated use of the redundant "over-exaggerated".) Lochte attempted a samba in which he appeared contrite and apologetic without ever admitting any of the details of his lie. He even suggested that his bald-faced lie about having a gun at his temple could be a matter of interpretation.

Pressed repeatedly by Lauer to admit the truth, Lochte's PR training kicked in. Looking ever earnest, he simply re-read from the script without ever answering Lauer's questions. He repeatedly claimed to accept responsibility while attempting to evade it. It's understandable, because actually answering the questions would have required Lochte to admit he had lied. On the other hand, a genuine, apology would have humanized him and put a cap on the dramatics.

I knew nothing of, and had no opinion of Lochte. the person, prior to this incident. I have an opinion now: he's a lying, conniving, contemptible, disingenuous jackass, not because he got drunk and destroyed a bathroom, not even because he originally lied about the incident. 

Goodbye Cheerios...and Everyone Else
Lochte loses my respect because he hasn't the common decency to stand up and admit what is transparent to the world anyway. He's hiding behind a PR strategy, presumably to save millions in endorsements.

Well, I've got bad news for Ryan and his PR dopes. The cover-up was worse than the crime. He'll lose those endorsements not because he acted like a knucklehead and wove a tall tail afterwards, but because of his lack of candor and refusal to accept responsibility once the story blew up.

I wonder how much he's paying to get really terrible advice.

Why I Despise Ryan Braun More Than I Despise Alex Rodriguez

As if any more data points were necessary, Alex Rodriguez demonstrated this week that he belongs to a growing club of people -- Lance Armstrong, Bill Clinton, Ryan Braun, Ted Bundy among others -- for whom lying is a strategy and for whom the truth is an option only when all others have been exhausted.

ARod released a written statement this week vaguely apologizing for "mistakes" without ever identifying his transgressions amid the hope that the baseball public would simply forget about it and let him play ball. This is a ploy clearly devised by new handlers who recognize that there is plenty of precedent for avoiding the issue until the public just gives up and talks about something else.

This strategy worked magnificently for Braun, but for reasons unavailable to ARod. Braun still has ability that endears him to the Milwaukee faithful. Although Braun is the same conniving scumbag that Rodriguez is, his entire lying scheme can be seen as one incident, so that even fans residing outside Wisconsin might be willing to give him a second chance. And Braun never committed the tripartite sins of a) not being Derek Jeter, b) signing an insanely lucrative contract or c) going to New York.

Rodriguez has to admire Braun from afar for ingeniously squirming out of responsibility for his package of bald-faced lying, phony self-righteousness, evasion of consequences -- he accepted a suspension during which he was injured anyway; his one and only punishment being the lost income during that period --  and reinstatement in the hometown fans' hearts. Braun and his PR team have to earn ARod's particular reverence for the manner in which they cynically portrayed his refusal to discuss his transgressions as an abject apology.

Sadly, as with much else in his life, Alex Rodriguez is way too tone deaf to pull off a Braun. For all his world class talent, his immense drive and hard work, his intelligence and his spectacular good looks, ARod is a supremely sad and pathetic creature worthy of our sympathy alongside our scorn. It is transparent from a great distance that he suffers from raging self-doubt and very possibly depression. He is extremely uncomfortable in his own snake skin and so wants to be liked without understanding that he first has to like himself.

And so Rodriguez's evasiveness will simply come off as evasiveness. Yankee fans will mock him. The team will beseech the god of loopholes for a way out of his contract. The media will rip what is left of him until they get tired of it, or until he gets hurt again. In the end, it won't matter anyway, because ARod will start to embarrass himself on the field. Don't be surprised if he retires in shame before his contract runs out (in three years.)

Ultimately, shame and accountability will be the reasons to detest Braun and not Rodriguez. ARod, unable to tune out other people's wrath, suffers in his shame and is held accountable for his misdeeds by everyone connected to the sport. Braun, pathologically, knows no shame and has manipulated his situation so that he will get away with it.

They Thought It Was the Demented Award

News Item: Milwaukee Brewers nominate Ryan Braun for Roberto Clemente Citizenship Award.

Possible explanations:

1. The Brewers are a collection of axe murderers and baby rapists. Lyin' Ryan's the best they can do.
2. Psych!
3. Clemente used to hammer the Braves when they played in Wisconsin and this is payback.
4. Whoops, they mean Eva Braun.
5. Management in Milwaukee has a deep, abiding sense of irony.
6. They noted that "contributions to the game" had to be "positive" and applied it to urine samples.
7. They are mentally retarded.

Your Favorite Team Is -- You

What do Ryan Braun, Ray Lewis, Barry Bonds and Ray Rice have in common?

Their hometown fans cheered all of them. 

That's after Braun wriggled out of accountability following a year of self-righteous lying. That's after Lewis escaped punishment for his involvement in a double murder. That's after Bonds, generally despised by media and teammates, admitted to a years of cheating and lying about it. That's after Rice beat his wife unconscious.

Do fans not care about smarmy, cynical liars? Do they not care about murder? About inveterate cheating? About domestic abuse?

Sure they do, in theory. But they care much more about something practical and immediate. They care about their own enjoyment.

They care about the success of the teams they care about.

And if disgust over homicide or assault and battery or a malign personality interferes with the hometown nine (or eleven) winning, well, suddenly it's in conflict with something more important. Because our mood is elevated when our team wins. Our happiness is marginally diminished when they lose. And we don't like our happiness diminished, no matter how slightly. Someone else's murder or beating or lying, cheating and stealing are of little consequence compared to a sliver more of our contentment. So we support the sociopath who helps our team win and rationalize his actions.

Some examples
Consider this: whom did you root for in this past year's NCAA basketball tournament? Unless you have a connection to a contending team, the answer is probably whoever you wagered would win. (And if you have a natural preference, you probably picked that team anyway.) You didn't really care about the teams, schools or fan bases. Your favorite team was -- you.

Jameis Winston was accused of rape and caught red-handed stealing food from a supermarket. If he were an ordinary student he would have been expelled from college. Yet he will start every game at quarterback for first-ranked Florida State this football season because virtually the entire population of Tallahassee cares more about Seminole victories than about moral issues. That's for people in Gainesville and Coral Gables to concern themselves with, at least until their key guy commits some felony.

We're All Guilty
In fact, the college football universe generally supports Winston. They want to see him play. Watching him brings us pleasure even if we're not Florida State fans. Consequently there's been almost no backlash at all, even in places like Eugene, Oregon and Madison, Wisconsin and Oxford, Mississippi and most certainly in Bristol, Connecticut. 

It's also why sports fans are generally self-deluded about the college-sports industrial complex that makes billions of dollars for schools, media companies and apparel sellers, at the expense of athletes who are not and never could be college students but are compensated for their profit-creating services with scholarships of utterly no value to them.

So next time you see some thug welcomed back by the hometown fans despite actions that should have landed him in the state penitentiary, don't be surprised. The fans are just honoring the desires of the most important people in the world. Themselves.

Letters To the Arbitrator

Dear Mr. Arbitrator,

Thank you so much for saving our franchise $24 million in 2014. We plan to use that money on a new starting pitcher. It will help us remain under the $189 million luxury tax threshold while staying competitive, which in turn will save us millions more in future years. 

Gratefully,
Brian Cashman
Bronx, NY

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Dear. Mr. Horowitz-san,

Your most admirable decision is most cherished, like chrysanthemum. Will add $3 million at least to the bids for my services in United States of America. Very sincerely good news that New York Yankees enter bidding aggressively, like Samurai warrior. Many appreciations for you.

Very sincerely yours.
Masahiro Tanaka
Rakuten, Japan 

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Dear Fred,

Appreciate the vindication. And not calling me to testify. You certainly stay on our arbitrators list.

Bud

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Dear Mr. Horowitz,
Whatever. 

Tony Clark
Executive Director, MLBPA

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Dear Mr. Arbitrator,
Way to go: you cost the bastard twenty-something million dollars! If I could have done that, I wouldn't have bothered drilling him with a fastball. Right on!

Ryan Dempster
Boston, MA

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Dear Mr. Horowitz, sir,
Although I won't be making an further comments about the adversity that I have had to face, I want to take this opportunity to express my deep appreciation for your work in diverting attention away from my situation. With the ghost of Alex Rodriguez hovering over every conversation, people will quickly forget that I made a mistake, which I have admitted. In fact, they will see that I bravely stepped forward and accepted my punishment while ARod self-righteously persisted in tilting at windmills. 

I'll be happy to take your questions.

With great respect,
Ryan Braun
Milwaukee, WI

Translating Ryan Braun's News Conference

Admitted liar Ryan Braun made his first public appearance yesterday, serving himself up to reporters while collecting food for needy families in an attempt to whitewash his tattered image. In the wake of his inept non-apology following acceptance of a 65-game suspension for PED use that he had previously denied with self-righteous indignation, Braun's team of lawyers and PR people evidently have devised a new strategy: do nominally good acts and politely decline to discuss the matter in the hopes that reporters will give up asking about it and people will cease to care.

It's a master stroke, because more apologizing, even sincere apologies that acknowledge the breadth and depth of his duplicity and accept total responsibility for it, won't change anyone's mind. Brewer fans will forget Braun's sins as soon as he makes his first appearance in their team's uniform. Like fans everywhere, they care less about morality and ethics than they do about their own desires, and if a former MVP can help them win, that overrides all other considerations.

Don't make that face, Giants fans. You cheered Barry Bonds to the end. Quit chuckling, Florida State followers. You're more concerned that charges against Jameis Winston will affect the Seminoles' championship run than that an innocent young woman might have been raped.

Settle down Baltimorons. You worship Ray Lewis to this day, willfully ignorant that, at the very least, he got away with impeding a double-murder investigation, at worst, he was complicit in the stabbing deaths of two men, and most likely, something in between that warrants punishment and recrimination that he never endured.

For the majority of baseball fans who don't follow Milwaukee's team, the details of Braun's hypocrisy will evaporate to a hazy film and they will forgive him for cheating as they've done for many others. Of course, cheating is the least of Braun's sins.

The rest of us, those paying attention to the cover-up as well as the crime, are deaf to any apologies. Had he not been caught with unassailable proof against him, it is indisputable that Ryan Braun would still be cheating, issuing sanctimonious denials and exploiting his disproportionate power and wealth to crush anyone who might reveal his lies.

To what appears to be his credit, Braun stopped to face reporters at the food drive. "I'm happy to answer your questions," he said. He then spent 15 minutes evading their queries. As a public service, Braindrizzling offers this translated partial transcript of the news conference.

Reporter: Ryan, why did you lie about PEDs?
Braun: As you know, I've been through a lot and as I expressed in my statement...I got into a lot of details at that point and I'm not going to go into further details.
Translation: I'm happy to take your questions but I'm not going to answer them! C'mon, do I look like an idiot? No, in fact I look like a movie star and it doesn't hurt that I'm articulate too. So the good people of Wisconsin will see me politely facing my accusers and won't dwell on the actual verbal content. Yea, me!

Reporter: What do you have to say to the Little Leaguers who really have worshiped the ground you walked on?
Braun: I made a mistake, a huge mistake that's obviously been very difficult to deal with...we all deal with adversity, we all deal with challenges in life and you can take the opportunity to view them as an obstacle or an opportunity to grow from, to learn from and to help others to learn from and that's what I intend to do.
Translation: Little Fucking Leaguers? How about me? I have to endure questions like these from low-life reporters merely for being a scumbag. I'm the victim here! Look at the adversity I have to deal with. Woe is me!

Reporter: In your opinion was the bigger sin using the PEDs or lying about it after the fact?
Braun: As I stated, the goal for me is just being able to move forward. I'm not really going to get into too many specific about what happened except to say I'm extremely remorseful...
Translation: I'm happy to take your questions.

Reporter: Ryan, what was the injury that you referred to in your statement that you took the products for?
Braun: Again, I'm not going to get into specifics and continue to go backward. I'm moving forward...
Translation: My pants are on fire.

Reporter: Don't you think you owe everybody who wants to talk about the specifics and tell us exactly what happened?
Braun: I completely understand and respect where you guys are coming from and that part of your job is to ask those questions but I hope you guys can understand and respect the fact that in an effort to move forward I'm not going to continue to discuss this stuff.
Translation: See, if I keep saying that I won't continue to discuss this stuff people will forget that I never discussed it in the first place and that "this stuff" is cheating my way to an MVP and lying relentlessly for two years to your faces. Do I have the best PR team or what!

Reporter: Ryan, what about the 2011 MVP award? Does this revelation invalidate that award?
Braun: As I said, I'm just going to move forward. I think that's all I can do. I'm not going to go back and discuss things that happened in the past...
Translation: Possession is nine-tenths of the law, suckers! So the trophy is mine as long as I maintain an unbroken chain of custody. In conclusion, I'd like to offer my sincere apology and remorse and also my middle finger to the good people of Milwaukee and all of Major League Baseball and with the help of my vast wealth, my lawyers and my truth spinners, I hope I can outlast everyone's indignation, which I assume will continue unabated for many minutes to come.

Welcome Back, Ryan Braun!

I deeply regret many of the things I said at the press conference after the arbitrator’s decision in February 2012. At that time, I still didn’t want to believe that I had used a banned substance. I think a combination of feeling self righteous and having a lot of unjustified anger led me to react the way I did. I felt wronged and attacked, but looking back now, I was the one who was wrong.

I am beyond embarrassed that I said what I thought I needed to say to defend my clouded vision of reality. I am just starting the process of trying to understand why I responded the way I did, which I continue to regret. There is no excuse for any of this.

For too long during this process, I convinced myself that I had not done anything wrong. After my interview with MLB in late June of this year, I came to the realization that it was time to come to grips with the truth.

--Ryan Braun

You see? Ryan Braun didn't choose a slash-and-burn strategy to avoid responsibility for cheating. He wasn't purposely lying through his teeth when he hurled accusations at Major League Baseball and a poor courier who already suffered the indignity of having to handle a vial of ballplayer urine.

No, Braun was hallucinating. He imagined he was a virtuous upright citizen while brazenly and falsely accusing others of lying in order to protect himself. He didn't decide to be a cynical, hypocritical prick; it was something that happened to him. 

But he's better now. He's recovered, as from a disease, debilitating and unfortunate, but temporary. He had an epiphany -- can Jewish guys have those? -- exactly coincidental with getting caught red-handed. Swell! Okay? All forgiven now?

Somewhere in Hades, Richard Nixon is indignant. He also cheated and lied about it. But while Nixon lacked the sanctimony, he at least had the decency to suspend himself -- for the rest of his presidential career. He spent the rest of his life attempting to reclaim his legacy but the lead in his obituary was still about Watergate.

Ryan Braun, on the other hand, or perhaps a lesser version of the Ryan Braun who was juicing, will return next year to the Brewers with a contract that will pay him millions of dollars. The Milwaukee faithful, redolent of hope and lacking options -- his contract is guaranteed, so he's playing -- will almost certainly embrace him wholeheartedly. If he helps the Brew Crew contend, they will roar their forgiveness and begin rationalizing their feelings in an explosion of cognitive dissonance.

The rest of us, we are not obliged to such folly. Despise ARod if you must, but your enmity is misplaced. Ryan Braun pointed fingers, Ryan Braun victimized truth-tellers, Ryan Braun smeared his accusers. Lyin' Ryan is the guy who deserves your eternal damnation.

Congratulations Brewers!

News item: Woman wearing Ryan Braun jersey at game with "B" and "n" replaced by "F" and "d" forced to cover up the jersey or be removed from stadium.

Congratulations to the Brewers, first MLB team in North Korea.

Words & Phrases We Should Have Seen In Ryan Braun's "Apology"

Lied
Cheated
Lied Repeatedly
Cheated for Years
Liar 
Cheater
Hypocrite
Disgrace
Embarrassed 
Ashamed
Steroids
Don't Deserve 2011 MVP 
Return 2011 MVP Award
Abject Apology
So Sorry
So Very Sorry
Sanctimonious 
Apologize to Dino Laurenzi Jr.

Hey, I'm Just Sayin'

The following falls into the category of "I'm not saying, I'm just saying." It is an argument wholly without merit. In fact, it isn't even an argument.

I'm just saying.

Last season, Ryan Braun hit .332/.397/.597 in a good-hitting home park surrounded by a monster lineup while trying not to embarrass himself in left field.

Matt Kemp hit a nearly-identical .324/.399/.586 in a ravine (no, literally, in a Ravine) surrounded by a lineup of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (we'll say the pitcher was Snow White) while contributing speed and a strong arm to the middle pasture.

The Baseball Writers opted for Braun as MVP because he had better teammates, an age-old and thoroughly-discredited logical process.

Come the off-season, Braun was allegedly caught juicing and won acquittal on a technicality. Kemp impressed by steadfastly refusing to denigrate Braun or the MVP vote and stifling efforts to transfer the MVP to him.

So far in the vindication round, here's the tale of the tape: Braun is scuffling to .245/.316/.388 with one home run. Kemp is at .481/.521/1.000 with eight home runs in 14 games. With less than 1/10th of games played, Kemp leads the league in runs, hits, home runs, RBIs, total bases, slugging and OPS.

Even if this did have any bearing on last year, it's not just premature, it's prematurely premature. It's so premature the baby was delivered before it was conceived. 

I'm just saying.

b

Quick Hits and Curveballs

Coupla-two-tree thoughts as the sports meld on the calendar...

Have Marvin Miller and Bowie Kuhn usurped the NFLPA and commissioner's office?  The way the players are smacking around the owners is reminiscent of 1970s MLB, when Miller and the union spanked Kuhn and the lords of baseball on a weekly basis. 

The football owners have now blown all of a three games to none lead and are about to fall in game seven. They had solidarity and TV revenues. What did the opposition have -- a rookie union boss and a membership of self-centered knuckleheads? It's a stunning turn of events that is turning Roger Goodell into Tom Dewey.

The latest ruling against the lockout means that the two sides won't settle for a long time. As long as one side thinks it can win, it will not have incentive to compromise. The best case scenario for football now is another uncapped season. 

Maybe folks will watch the World Series in October instead. Pray for two warm weather teams.

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Memo to Carolina Panthers: run like Mike Vick from Cam Newton. Avoid Newton, Mass. Don't eat any Fig Newtons.

Let's consider the track record for run-first quarterbacks with low Wunderlick scores from simplified college offenses: Vick, Vince Young, Jamarcus Russel, Cam Newton. Okay, Newton's a better passer than the rest of them. He's also the only one who grew up in the shadow of a sleazebag preacher.

Run like a leaky faucet, Panthers. There are plenty of other areas in which you suck that could use a top draft pick.

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Warning: Expired Equine Whallop Zone
82-game season and four rounds of playoffs to determine who will face the Lakers in the finals. Ya-a-a-a-awn.

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AJ Burnett threw eight solid innings last night, relinquishing a run on three hits. He lost. How unclutch can you get to pitch well the night the opposing hurler throws a one-hit shutout?

The Rockies' Esmil Rogers knows clutch. The three runs and 12 baserunners he allowed in 5.3 innings stood up in a 5-3 win in Chicago because relievers shut down the Cubs for 3.7 innings.

I wonder what SF Chronicle columnist Bruce Jennings is doing tonight?

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Speaking of not being clutch, how about Jose Bautista. He's followed last season's breakout 50-homer season by leading the league so far in batting average (.364) and home runs (eight), but he isn't even in the top eight in the American League in RBI. What a bum!

Obviously, Bautista doesn't bat .364 or hit home runs when it really matters. The Jays should trade him and get someone more clutch, like Derek Jeter (.244, no homers).

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The Phillies' Cliff Lee and Diamondbacks' Ian Kennedy faced off last night in that bandbox in Phoenix. The two starters combined for one walk and 22 strikeouts, and Lee didn't even pitch the eighth or ninth. Kennedy won in a shutout.

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The Brewers recently inked Ryan Braun to a six-year deal for roughly $19 million/year. It's reminiscent of Ryan Howard's much-criticized contract with Philly in that Braun's a big bopper without a glove. On top of that, the Brewers unwisely bought out several years of below-market arbitration.

That aside, it should work out for Milwaukee. Braun is younger than Howard, and although he keeps buying mitts with holes in them, he's got an athletic body, not the lumbering slugger's build that gives many pause about Howard's ability to compete at age 35. Braun's deal is also for $6 million a year less.

More than that, Milwaukee needs Braun. As mentioned in an endorsement of Howard's contract last year, teams don't win without great players. Milwaukee is the smallest market in baseball, so locking up their star for six years means they won't lose him if his value soars. 

b