A Fly On the Wall in Cleveland

Cleveland Indians closer, Chris Perez: Um, Mr. Shapiro, you wanted to see me?

Cleveland Indians GM Mark Shapiro: Hey Chris, thanks for stopping by. Have a seat.

Perez: Did you want to congratulate me for striking out the side Saturday?

Shapiro: Uh, no, though that was great. 

Perez: Are you pissed about the walk and hit I gave up on Thursday?

Shapiro: No, no. We won anyway, so that's good.

Perez: We're in first place, though you'd hardly know it from the attendance.

Shapiro: Yeah, that's what I want to discuss. Um, Chris? The thing is, see, uh, shut the fuck up.

Perez: What?

Shapiro: Look, I appreciate that we're 24-18 and in first place, yet we're last in baseball in attendance.

Perez: See what I'm saying?

Shapiro: Sure, and I appreciate that you're 14 for 15 in save opportunities.

Perez: And no one's coming out to see them.

Shapiro: Right, and I'm sure that's frustrating. But see Chris, here's the thing. We're the freakin' Indians. Okay? We haven't delivered on a promise since Carlos Baerga turned to lard in 1996. So it's not like the fans owe us anything. It's their money and they get to decide what to do with it, particularly when it costs 200 bucks to take the family to 1/162nd of the season. Besides that, we play in Cleveland, which means that our fans have to be residents of Cleveland. You see what I'm saying? They've pretty much pinned the suffering meter over the years, particularly with the whole LeBron thing.

Perez: Now that was funny. At least we're not Detroit.

Shapiro: Right, who'd want to be Detroit? Detroit made the World Series a few years ago and won our division last year. And remember, we were 31-16 on May 23 last season and had a seven game lead.

Perez: And we still didn't draw two million people.

Shapiro: ...because we went 49-66 the rest of the way and finished 15 games out. We drew 1.8 million from a city full of people who are in school through June and then leave this godforsaken place during the summer.

Perez: But what about all those years that we sold out?

Shapiro: We didn't suck then! We went 100-44. We made the World Series twice. The fans are smarting from all our late season bed-wetting and waiting for us to prove that we're real before they pour back into the Jake.

Perez: You mean Progressive Field?

Shapiro: Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up?

Perez: But we are for real. 

Shapiro: Yeah, as real as Kim Kardashian. We've been outscored in our first 45 games. We've played 15 games against the White Sox and Royals, and just three against the Rangers, Yankees and Rays. We've played six more games at home than on the road. We've won nine of 11 one-run games, in part thanks to you and in part because we've been lucky.

Perez: But we're 24-18...

Shapiro: ...and Justin freakin' Masterson is our #2 starter. Casey Kotchman is the best we can do at first base. You know what a slugger he is? He's pounded 62 home runs in his nine year career. That's almost as many as our DH hit in two years ... back when he could hit.

Perez: So you want me to apologize to the fans for dissing them for not showing up?

Shapiro: Hell no. We want you to stand by your comments unapologetically.

Perez: I don't get it.

Shapiro: ...so we can throw you under the bus. The team is going to run from your comments like Wilma Rudolph. We're going to suck up to our potential customers like a nerd to the prom queen. And then, if Derek Lowe keeps pitching out of his mind, and if Jack Hanrahan remains blissfully unaware that he's Jack Hanrahan, and if the Tigers continue to play with holes in their mitts, and if we continue to play teams just as they go cold, well, maybe we'll last through the All-Star break and the fans will peak in, at least out of curiosity.

Perez: And maybe we can win the division!

Shapiro: Sure Chris. And maybe Democrats can balance budgets.

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