Surprising Chokenicity or Super Clutchanism?

If you're one of those who paddle the choke/clutch canoe, you're bailing water right now.

Until a few days ago, the narrative was simple: the Yankees choked and Tigers were clutch. Pinstripers entered the batting icebox together at the start of the ALCS, leading to historically low averages and run production in four games against Detroit.

Now in the first three games of the World Series, the Tigers' lineup has switched the clutch switch to choke. Shut out twice all season, they've doubled that total in the last two games.

Wait, what? The Tigers were clutch in Game Five against Oakland and then for four games against New York. And now they've suddenly turned to Jello? Those clutch pills wore off fast!

Oh, but maybe the Giants are even clutchier. With a foot on their necks in the NLDS against Cincinnati, they took three straight for the series win. Flailing against the Cardinals, they reprised the feat to earn a World Series berth. So while the Tigers are clutch, the Giants are Super Clutch, and by comparison Detroit is a choker. But against the Double-Secret Chokers in New York, the Tigers looked clutch.

Of course, none of this explains how a clutch team like the Giants gets down in the first place 2-0 in a five-game post-season series or 3-1 in a seven-game series. Isn't that a little chokey? Doesn't that suggest some pre-clutchy chokiness on the part of San Francisco? Does choking nearly to the point of strangulation before winning suggest Pseudoclutchiness, or Extra Clutchosity with a Cherry on Top?

Also, how could the Yankees be World Class Chokers when Mr. Clutch of All Time himself is their captain. Is their Two-Hands-Around-the-Throat-Chokerism so great that even the mighty King Clutch is no match for it? I need someone to explain this to me. I lost the rulebook.

I have a wacko friend who suggested this other outlandish theory that I mention here just for giggles and, like, knowledge. He says the Yankee lost because their bats went through a four-game cold spell, just as even the best teams do from time-to-time. He says the Tigers, after a five-day layoff (that's another meme that someone will have to explain to me: professional baseball players lose all their skills from Monday to Saturday? Wow!) and with a top-heavy lineup (can you say Avisail Garcia, .319 SLG in 23 MLB games?) have scuffled against a good pitching staff and lost three games. That's not shocking, he says, considering Detroit lost three straight 11 times over the course of the season.

Ha! What a knucklehead! Randomness and luck are no basis for settling a world championship. We need a plausible narrative to explain the inexplicable, even if it's transparent rubbish. We're sticking with clutchism and chokefulness.

Unless, of course, Detroit storms back to tie the Series. Then we create a whole new narrative. Giant Chokers!

Encore Performance: Playoff Guarantees

At the risk of falling into the sea while admiring my reflection, I present an encore performance from 2008 that has particular resonance this time of year.

It's easier than writing something new.

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With respect to the playoffs, some guarantees:

1. Baseball "analysts" will predict series outcomes based on which team was hotter in September. Research by Baseball Analysts found that there is absolutely no correlation whatsoever between a team's September record and its playoff performance. Hey, who needs facts when you have opinions to publish!
 
2. A team that loses game 1 of a five-game series with its ace on the mound will be written off by the baseball media. It helps increase the excitement when they come back to win.
 
3. A team down 1-0 and facing the other team's ace will be written off, as if the ace is a guaranteed win, even though he went 17-11 on the year.
 
4. The underdog in a series will take game 1 on the road and the baseball media will pronounce that it has the "momentum." When it loses game 2, the baseball media will announce that the momentum has "shifted," as if it were a paradigm, or a continental shelf.
 
5. One team's ace will get lit up. Another team's slugger will take the collar twice. The baseball media, now practicing psychiatry, will determine that they "choked" or "felt the pressure" or weren't "clutch."The media will be unable to process the notion that even great players have bad days.
 
6. Baseball "analysts" will "analyze" an upcoming series by assigning wins and losses according to pitcher and home field, because as we all know, the team at home with the better starting pitcher wins in the playoffs 85% or 90% of the time. Or maybe its 52%, I forget.
 
7. Once again, some knucklehead will run out the statistic that the winner of game 1 in a five-game series wins the series 75% of the time. Of course, since the average series goes four games, the winner of any game you choose wins the series 75%.